Living with Cluster Headache (Suicide Headache)

I pace about the room holding onto the wall, the chairs, anything I can reach for support with my head tilted to one side and walking like a 120 year old lady as my right eye is on fire,squinting and tearing uncontrollably. I jump, kick, roll on the floor, hit my head on the wall, and think that I might get going crazy. The pain is unbearable. It's worst than labour pains and the worst pain ever! 

I consider myself as one who can bear pains. In fact when other women tell tales of their labour pain ordeals, I find it very strange as I was in labour with my son for two days and didn't realise I was in labour. I have had enough life experiences to teach me long suffering but the pains of Cluster Headache is one I can't believe happens to human beings. 

Cluster headache also nicknamed suicide headaches, occur several times a day, they come on unexpectedly, do not last long, and are generally very painful. The pain is usually intense, on one side.
A cluster-headache sufferer can wake up during the night because of the pain. Often, this occurs at the same time each night. The eye on the painful side of the head may be reddened and watery. The individual's nose may be runny or blocked on the side of the nose where the pain is. The headache lasts from 15 minutes to 4 hours and can recur up to eight times daily. 

My children watch me cry, scream, pull my hair, cross my fingers, and talk to heaven begging for this 'cup to pass over me' I can do anything, absolutely anything to have this pain go away. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do, neither can anyone else help me. The medication received is just to alleviate the pain but they take ages to kick in. They don't cure nor stop the headache. 

For 3 nights, I have been scared to sleep because am scared of waking up with another headache. I fight the sleep with everything in me, but how long and how much can I fight sleep? I fear about the next second, the next minute, the next hour. Maybe another attack is coming.

They say a cluster headache bout can last 4 - 12 weeks. I have been going over 2 weeks now. Non stop pain, anguish and agony. No sleep, no relief. I am exhausted! I can't think, I can't eat, I can't concentrate. When am not in pain, I am frightened of another attack coming. There's a constant pressure on my right eye and it kind of squints all day. 

I keep telling myself that I am strong enough for this but every time it comes, I am left devastated and helpless.

I have had this about 20 years ago but it wasn't diagnosed and the bouts wasn't as long and as intense as this. I have had years of remission and only God knows how long thus bout will last and how long another remission will be. 

My children have missed school since resumption, my home is unkept, my life is disoriented. I keep asking myself, how long more to the end of this? After every attack, I am so wasted, tired, feel like there's nothing left inside of me. I can't wish this on my Worst Enemy! 

I have to write this down as I can't think of anything else than write about my experience. Cluster headache is not that common as it happens to 1 in 500-1000 people, but who knows? Someone somewhere may be in same shoes as I am and will benefit from knowing that they are not alone. 

Research shows Men are more likely to suffer cluster headache than women and I can't stop wondering why I get them. I am interested to hear from any female who gets these headaches.